Novice Meets Fandom
by Tristana
Summary: Fandom, play nice. Or not. AU set in modern times. Connor is new to the Assassins, so the others decide to help him settling down. And show him the ropes. And explain all there is to know about the murkiest depth of fandom - through Kinkmeme. Crackfic. Rated because of the prompts I mention, mostly.


Yet another one from Kinkmeme. Though a bit different. First, it's an AU - all the Assassins meet in modern times. However, they know of the fandom. Second, here's Connor. I have to say that I was a bit wary at first but that prompt was too awesome to ignore. And I just love to troll Assassins... (Ezio is relieved I found a new victim... he shouldn't.)

Prompt: "So...what I'd love to see is some kind of AU where the characters of the games all know of the fandoms and if not accepting of all the stuff we put them through, they at least tolerate it for the sake of the fans. :D

Now, Connor is new to everything and freaking out, doesn't know if he really wants the fans to be shipping him with anybody, etc. The rest decide to help him adjust to the new experiences. Can be as cracky, fluffy, smexy as you want! Hell, he needs some idea of what we get up to on this meme, so I'm sure the guys and gals would be happy to show him the ropes, so to speak... :3"

I am not sure but I think someone like Rebecca would do it for her own sake...

Warnings: It's crack, though I rated it TT just for safety - I mention several kinkmeme prompts that are NSFW. Also, they might be OOC, but considering it's an AU, I had to adapt. Though I don't think I strayed too much from their original attitude.

Now that I scared you lot away, I'll say: go and read the crack, you courageous reader.

* * *

It was a maze of corridors, glass panels replacing walls, everything in shades of grey from the soft light one to charcoal. It was a bit daunting at first, though he knew he would not need be here all the time. Truth be told, he would much rather be outside, but this time he could not escape it. Some of his colleagues had mentioned some kind of behind the scene activity which he should be aware of, even before his introduction in the system is complete. And here he was, waiting in front of a huge oak door that looked curiously out of place in this modern environment. Again, it was Leonardo's office and he was already briefed about the man's eccentricities.

Right before he had finished raising his left hand to knock, he had to jump backward to avoid the door being slammed into his face by... something. Something wearing a red hat and apparently trying to squeeze the living daylight out of him.

"So good to see you back, Connor. I trust you had no problem finding us."

All Connor could get out was a very undignified croak, which prompted the all too-enthusiastic artist to let go of him. He wheezed, trying to for some air back into his lungs, which actually made him feel like his ribs were bent on the inside. More than they were supposed to be at least. The man obviously did not know anything about his own strength, nor how to control it. Or he just forgot himself?

Stepping inside, he saw that the whole crew was here, with the exception of Altair and Malik. Something to do with 'stupid Italians having no sense of private property' - it was the first thing he had seen when coming here: Malik dragging Altair out of the room, ranting about Italians. He had not dared inquiring what it was all about. Depending on how things went, he was to stick around for quite a while, and he had no intention of screwing up on his first day.

That was before. Right now, he was feeling watched. The British one, Shaun, looked especially bored, though Connor would not put it past him making it all up just to annoy the rest. Though if he were honest, Connor would say that he had a personal problem with the Brits in general. He greeted them anyway - he was grateful that they were taking some time to 'show him the ropes', as Ezio had put it. The man having been a Mentore for a long time, he had the ways of a teacher - when he was not acting childish and just rushing out of the room any time he smelled some food.

"So, Connor. Today, we are going to show you the wildest part of the fandom. Everyone in this room is concerned, even you." The way in which Rebecca looked at him made me want to bolt for the door. An intent transparent enough for Ezio to go and stand by the door.

"Which is absolutely crazy if you ask me, since he barely appeared publicly yet."

"No one asked you Shaun, so either shut up or get out." You have to love Rebecca for this. "So, like I said... fandom."

Connor nodded. He knew about it, though not how extensive this thing was. He knew it concerned their fans, and though the concept was not so foreign, the ways in which it was expressed sometimes left him on his ass. Mostly, what was that called? Fanarts? Sometimes he wondered if any of them ever wanted to ask the artists what it was all about. In showing him around, Leonardo had stumbled on a piece featuring Ezio and another man, Yusuf apparently. From what he was told after he had run for cover, Ezio had gotten an earful. The thought made him smile. Though he would never understand why would people give them cat's ears or the like...

He went to sit near Rebecca in front of the computer. It looked like an online journal or something.

"AssCreedKinkMeme?" He had to say it out loud. Okay, he knew what AssCreed stood for. He knew kink. He knew meme - somehow. But how the three were put together?

"Yup. It's awesome!"

"Meaning, if you survive through this, you'll survive anything."

"We sometimes come and check what's new. Sometimes, it can get pretty interesting."

"Entertaining too."

This earned Rebecca a scoff from Desmond. The man was usually very quiet but the look on his face told Connor that he did not want to know why Rebecca had said that. Though curiosity was still there, edging his hand towards the mouse. "Any advice as to where I should get started?"

"There's this fill I really like, where Malik gets his arm regrown with the Apple."

"No, no! Something where Vieri gets pwned? It's always so funny."

"No way, you leave Federico out of it!"

"Ezio, don't get so upset."

"Not upset, come on, even I would not think something so stupid."

"According to one fill, you were apparently stupid enough to want to use paint to-"

"Shut up! And I don't!" Connor did not want to know what Leonardo meant to say. He really did not.

"But the fans think you are!"

"Or the one with the anons, it was cool?"

And while their voices were merging into a thundercloud smashing against Connor's eardrums, he wished he were away from the room.

"Okay, let's stop there. If we can't agree, we should leave Connor pick his own."

"Brilliant Rebecca, you want to him to have to feel responsible for his own trauma?"

"Stop being so negative Desmond. Not all of them are so bad. And out of the rest, you probably had it easy. Think about Altair and Malik, they have been around for so long..."

"I have too!"

"Not the same thing. Anyway... Connor, you can pick any section you want. Sometimes they repost prompts - when they get lost. The older sections are a bit of a messy if you are looking for something in particular."

And here he was... he randomly picked Section 3, page 7 And oggled the screen. "What, Ezio and Altair and-" He just stared. How could people in their right minds come up with that kind of ideas?

"Which one?" Ezio did not budge from his spot, though he was eyeing Leonardo as though something was going to explode. And not even in a good way.

"The one with the fill called 'The Silent Seal' - whence you naughty boy had to use everything you could think of to get Altair to make some noise."

Thunk. Ezio's head hit the wall the instant Connor's slammed into the desk. It could be worse, it could be worse, it could be- "Snow White?" Count on Rebecca to make it worse.

"What?"

"So, Desmond, you are Snow White... and Shaun is Prince William."

"Making fun of royals will take you anywhere." And thus struck the Prince of Snark. The king being absent at the moment.

"Not a joke, it's true."

"What in the name of-"

"In Screeno Veritas, Shaun."

Connor was getting edgy. Not only the content of the pages all look disturbing but to top it all, the reaction of his colleagues was worrying him.

"Don't worry." Leonardo had apparently taken pity on him. "It's not all that bad. Some people are simply requesting nice stories to cheer them up." Okay, now he felt slightly better. "Though most are just shameless smut featuring an impressive array of situations, positions and what not. And it's surprising how one of them thought about these tools I made for Cesare, I thought I had destroyed the plans."

"Above your desk in your study, Leonardo."

"Ah, errr. Oops?"

So much for being relieved. They were insane, the lot of them.

Right when Connor was going to run for cover, the road to salvation - to the door - was shattered into million pieces as two men burst into the room. Altair, with Malik hont on his heels and apparently intent on doing something unhealthy.

"If you think having to be a belly-dancing prostitute with bells on my ankles was pleasant to read, you better think twice!"

"Oh right, it so tops having both my arms cut off! Remind me why I put up with you?"

"Only I put up with you, that's why!"

As the yelling match continued, Connor looked at his feet mournfully. If things ever came to this... he would just freak out.

"Oh, Connor, don't look like this! You only have four prompts with your name in it."

"Like what?"

"A Pocahontas crossover."

"So original." He sighed. Really, that was an easy one. Though it could be worse, it'd be-

"Of course, you are replacing Pocahontas in this version."

"Excuse me?"

"Remember the Disney movie?"

"Yeah." He did not want to know... he did not want to know he did not-

"You're Pocahontas in that fic."

Shock washed over Connor, and the last thing he saw was the ceiling growing very distant as though he was falling back.

"Oh my, Connor, are you okay?" Ezio took old of the young man, settling him on the couch. "What did you tell him?"

"..."

"Rebecca?"

"That he was Pocahontas."

"Poor boy, if this puts him in that state... he won't make it."

"Shaun, stop being an ass will you? Need I remind you of that famous prompt where _I_ make you get off with _your-_"

"SHUT UP!"

"Still... maybe I could have told him about this prompt where an Anon asked for anything with him in it?"

"Would not have been a good idea, you would have had to tell him what the fillers might think of. That's even worse."

"Ever the wisest of us, Leonardo."

"Ezio, you are talking to your brain." Came the smug reply.

"My brains are safe where they belong thank you." This actually got him a blank stare from all in the room minus Connor who had passed out and therefore was saved from the worst line ever.

"Men! Okay, we should let him rest. I'll log off so he won't sneak a peek. I'll whip up some Kinkmeme sessions so he'll get used to it."

"Rebecca, no sane person would even dream of peeking after that, be sensible." For once, Shaun was speaking for them all. The voice of reason.

"As for sessions... you sure you don't want him to go to a Templars' camp?" Shaun knew he had said something really bad the instant he saw Rebecca's eyes light up and her face breaking into that Cheshire grin.

"Templars went camp when?"

"Rebecca!"

When he woke to a sore head, Connor realized he was alone. There was a small piece of paper on the desk, he got up to get it. And wished he hadn't.

_Connor, don't be so upset. It was not a bad story in itself. And anyway, you were saved from long, highly descriptive and horny smut._

_x_

_R3b3cca_

_ps: We're in the kitchen, Leonardo'll make us pasta. _

This was going to be a long, long day.

* * *

About Connor's question: How could people in their right minds come up with that kind of ideas?

I wonder as well... though if you have any ideas - other than kinkmeme being healthy, and so on. Healthier than chocolate at any rate.

I'd be happy to hear from you, really.


End file.
